Off The Air

Minute green specks on a dark magenta background.

Sum Of All Cars

[(Orange Datsun B210 + (parking lights) - (parking brake)) + (Black Ford Model A) + 2*(Scion XB)*((baby blue) + (disco green)) + (Chic - Le Freak) + (((U-Haul pickup)*(matresses))/(tube socks))] = (-x)*(red pickup*(John Ritter)) + (woodpile)

News Bites

R. Snyder was recovered 15 minutes after he fell head-first into a plastic-lined 100-foot-deep well.

Police were called to a residence where A. Rahimi had been housesitting but was locked out. A locksmith attempted to pick the lock with a violin neck when it was discovered that the door was unlocked.

A prominent political figure was recorded talking in his sleep, saying, "Ja ja! Apuesto a que no adivinas donde me escondí los!"

Limerick Lounge

To search for a late nighttime leak
I ran outside on my bare feet.
A dozen pairs of eyes
that gave me a surprise
were just dogs rutting in the street.

8 to 5

Tom Felton, in his first day at his new job at the Octagon - Electronic Arts' Headquarters building in Washington D. C. - is offered and accepts a new job at the Pentagon.

In a walking tour, a guide reveals that the combined salaries of SR and RM equate to the sum of 200,000 other employees.

Long Way To Vegetables

I followed Nathan C. up a metal ladder and he cried out when he pierced his finger with a plastic toothpick.

We discovered upon returning to the apartment that Mike N. had moved out in the middle of mounting brass plates behind each picture frame.

I took Nathan to the hospital in my car and called in to work that I'd be late while Joseph R. rode in the back seat.

We went to the park from the hospital.

I noticed my pockets were filled with bloated moist paintballs which looked like yellow pear tomatoes.

We saw Jeff D. and his son there at the park that looked like the spaces between office high-rises.

I tossed one of the paintballs - like a quarterback passing a football - to Joseph as he was running towards a red fire hydrant.

Couplet Corner

Go fetch the scuba gear from out the car.
Place it in the top drawer of my armoire.

Pay the taxi cab driver what he's owed
or into a fit of rage he'll explode.

So You Think You Can Hand Out Flyers

Joshua Allen, winner of the fourth season of the Fox Network's "So You Think You Can Dance" placed a flyer on the passenger side of my windshield in the parking garage.

He walked away to place more flyers on more windshields as I read the plain white one on mine, something about "I love Bebot", which turned out to be advertising for a new sports shoe.

I shouted out for him to stop, asking if he was currently wearing the shoes but he disappeared.

wish fulfill - Lost In Translation

(translating "wish fulfilment" from English to French to Portuguese back to English)

Step 1.
Acquire a 1997 silver Honda Civic EX Coupe.

Step 2.
Attach a portable Smog-test kit to the exhaust pipe.

Step 3.
Rev the engine to 2,500 rpms.

Step 4.
Play "The Devil's Dream" on a fiddle.

Step 5.
Note an output of 3.14159265358979323846264338327950 ppm (HC)

Step 6.
Whisper your wish (in English) into the exhaust pipe.

Test result:
English: "a new lunchbox"
French translation: "une nouvelle boîte à lunch"
Portuguese translation of French translation: "uma lancheira nova"
English translation of Portuguese translation of French translation: "a new lunch"

Putt Putt Sofball League

First at-bat of the first game for Karen yields a walk.

Arcade Fitness

Dave demonstrates a modification he made to a San Francisco Rush, The Rock: Alcatraz Edition Arcade game which forces the player to pull the steering wheel towards the chest.

The modification supports weights up to 2,000 pounds. Dave shows us the machine in action as he drives around Alcatraz while supporting a weight of 1,700 pounds.

Tinker Time

Build a hand-held device powered by two AAA batteries that fires the batteries out with the intent of remotely kissing a target person.

Unfortunately, you have to retrieve the batteries after each use.

Twenty-four

shopping mall
parking lot
icy road
Cram-a-lot

caliber
movie shoot
Slip 'N Slide
mango fruit

We Didn't Start The Fire...

Adventures in Science

(brought to you by the Hobart 3000 Series Slicer. "Whether your needs are light, medium or heavy duty, we have the slicer for you.")

The Slicer is used, in combination with a preparatory liquid nitrogen soak, to cut everyday objects (a pig head, a bowling ball, and a compact car) into dozens of fine cross-sections.

It turns out that cross-sectioning a live human is the path to invisibility. Invisible Steve slaps Ben in the face! Hilarity ensues.

Brown Widow

A (hispanic) named (M. Sandoval) (working) as (an undercover informant) for the (Los Angeles Police Department) as the (girlfriend of a known Mexican drug trafficker) in (southern California) (describes her experience hiding balloons of heroin).

subst
(fictional goddess)
(Lolth)
(ruling)
(chief goddess)
(drow race of elves)
(Demon Queen of Spiders)
(the sixty-sixth layer of the Abyss)
(unbirths hundreds of poisonous arachnids)

Trackback

The story ended with everyone leaving the house party...

which was broken up by the police...

who were called by Bobby Moldavon...

who was actually the first person to arrive at the house...

which was owned by the driver of the yellow Lamborghini Murcielago...

which was seen speeding away from the Pearl Market...

through which sprinted a man in a yellow shirt...

who had stolen Kenneth Tan's laptop...

which was leaning up against an arcade game cabinet...

which Stephen Riesenberger was playing.

15 Minutes Of Fame

15-minute mini-show sponsored by Marie Callenders for their new Free Cheesy Garlic Bread.

Pariticipants enter videos showing them eating the Cheesy Garlic Bread.

James Kono ravenously devours four soft ones with savage mouthfuls.

Cameron Petty deftly nibbles tidbits, encircling the rims, diminishing the perimiters.

Shell Collector

The Shell Collector visited me last night while I slept, carefully collecting shells, patiently waiting for all of us until, like dessicated tardigrades, we hibernate, anxious for that next life-giving drop of moisture.

Gopher Cop

I recently purchased a street bike and took it for a ride through mountain trails. While climbing a gentle grade I contemplated the hypothetical situation of being flagged down by a motorcycle cop - the 'Gopher Cop', who hides in his hole until a speeding motorist drives by (one sometimes stakes out a small driveway near the base of the hill on eastbound Newhall Ranch Rd in Valencia, CA).

I figured it was more prudent to pull over instead of accelerating the bike to 300mph, the machine's theoretical maximum velocity, and risk crashing at the sharp hairpin turn ahead.

The next morning at 4am, I arrived at the motorcycle dealership where I had purchased the bike.

Sand Smoothers

From a second-floor stairwell, classic cars can be seen in the hotel lobby.

Beside the hotel is a classic car pick-and-pull scrapyard.

Inside the gaping pocket of a pair of discarded blue jeans lies a leather belt that looks like a wallet.

Underneath the jeans is a polished bronze Spartan symbol embedded in the concrete.

Next to where the symbol was seen stands an abandoned basketball court.

Across the street from the basketball court there is a public interior hallway.

On the floor of the hallway there are forgotten grapes lying in the sand.

Within an unused closet the sand on the floor is perfectly smooth.

Behind a red freestyle bike tire tracks and footprints can be seen.

Double Meaning

'Arceus' was scratched into the wood paneling at the rear of an auditorium in the House of Representatives in Washington, DC.

Elevator 'rooms' move whole conferences from one floor to the next (one should not wear a mysteriously-found sport jacket)

'Arceus' is also the name of the 'Original Pokémon'