Counting Sound Effects

...at a polished-metal haunted house entrance there are ten:

1. a yawning rusty echo through giant cylindrical ducts
2. a tiny tinkle of a tin bell
3. a raspy grating of two steel surfaces sliding against each other
4. a long low humming reverberation emanating from slightly vibrating lead columns
5. a sharp ricocheting report bouncing off curved surfaces
6. a feeble tinny twang from plucked aluminum teeth
7. a startling giant bong when a hollow sphere crashes onto a thin cymbal
8. a rippling and undulating rolling sound for the sphere as it travels across brass
9. a million miniature sparkling spangs when thin needles impact a thick block of gold
10. a silent whoosh from staring at the blackness inside iron helmets

Waste Of Time

(Travelled back in time 1 minute and wrote a check for $1)x100

(Hid the proceeds in the base of a toilet)x1

(Changed into, then out of swimwear)x2

Similies That Are Mostly Plausible Show

Building a hiking expedition with Rugrats Duplo blocks is like Larry from Sit 'n Sleep trying to sell a Celestron AstroMaster 114 EQ Reflector Telescope to Thesha Sims.

Buy stamps!

P.S. the longest word in the next facebook scramble game after this post was 'STAMPING'.

Getting Married

Robin and Ben get married on tonight's episode.

Illuminated under soft orange lights, Ben attempts to do a barrel roll but actually succeeds in performing a cartwheel in place.

Even before I opened the attached invitation, a custom retro-looking video game screenshot, I knew what it looked like since I had previously played Daniel Benmergui's "I Wish I Were The Moon".

Celebrity Footrub

NBC's ER episode featuring Parminder Nagra and Linda Cardellini.

Indiscreet Mathematics

C(x) & M(x)
M(x) -> S(x)
... S(x)

1. C(x) & M(x) : premise
2. M(x) -> S(x) : premise
3. M(x) : Simplification, 1.
4. S(x) : Modus Ponens, 2., 3.

60-minute Commercial Block

Elmo's Celebrity Rehab Center features a giant spaghetti ball that leaves a marinara sauce trail on the floor and walls!

Wow Wow Wubbzy - "Wubbzy Saves The Day" follows.

Radio Static

shiny red Gyarados slushie
following yellow arrow signs which read, "PLUSHIE"

sidewalk storefront handing out free doughnuts
ding-dongs, ho-hos, one with rainbow sprinkles turns out to be a tiny journal

four steps up into an antique store
Captain Jack Sparrow said that there's a secret passage from here to the original store location in San Francisco
the store's curator asks me to remove my backpack

the bathroom door slams shut and bows inward, saturated with water
punching through (as if into a snowbank) discovering the door is locked with a red ribbon

Synopsis

Superman, in a fictitious footrace against Super Girl where they ran and leapt perpendicularly across warehouse rooftops and returned to the starting line (he actually pulled her along as they soared through the air), in a desperate attempt to finish quickly, plummeted headfirst haphazardly towards the ground, narrowly missed the moving railroad handcar rolling by, and created an enormous crater which penetrated the foundation of the Keep-It Self-Storage facility in Santa Clarita, California.

This episode was sponsored by the Flesch/Flesch-Kincaid readability tests with a Reading Ease of 0.0 and a Grade Level of 34.5

Disjointed Visions

A roundabout concrete porch
(in Hawaii)

A little girl in a sun dress
(on her birthday)

places plastic banana leaves
(around the railing)

she walks to the right
(arranging)

she walks to the left
(tacking)

again to the right
(wondering if that is most efficient)

a neighbor finds our front door ajar
(entering)

"Both cars were in the driveway and your computer was on."
(emailing)

Couplet Videos

Toddlers smoking log cigars
engage in Lego tomahawk wars.

Daily commute log

Directions from Carlsbad, CA to Midway Home Entertainment in San Diego, CA.

Woke up with a kink in my neck on the right side.

I started up my motorcycle and the engine wound up to a deafening roar, the throttle stuck open. The rear wheel chirped against the asphalt of the freeway and the whole bike lurched forward out from under me. I used all my strength to hand on to the hand grips and the motorcycle bounced upright on its rear wheel as I wrestled it under control.

Hoping this was to be the only hiccup on my maiden motorcycle commute to work, I checked my mirrors before pulling out of the emergency lane on the left side of the freeway.

I found that I ride much the same as I drive a car although in the freedom surrounding the motorcycle I was much more attuned to the traffic patterns I nestled into, picked apart, and carefully monitored and predicted, finally appreciating the joy of passing, always passing.

Along the road to work, I stopped in at Brent's, seeing as he was heading the same direction. His apartment looked like a Karaoke bar, and he was next to perform from underneath an old blanket sitting on a La-Z-boy recliner.

The Karaoke emcee rejected my song choice of "The Next Frieda In Town" as one that was too obscure, suggesting instead that Brent sing Elvis Costello's "The Only Flame In Town"

Greatest Hits Countdown

Extreme show that counts down the top 10 most gruesome, hard-hitting crashes and impacts from popular sports.

Tonight's episode counts down most painful football tackles.

The #1 victim spot goes to Texas Tech place kicker Tony Rogers. In a 1995 game against Texas Longhorns, in a fake field goal play, Rogers is tackled by defensive end Tony Brackens.

Lost footage from the game surfaced after the Longhorns' 48-7 victory over Tech that showed various members of the Longhorns team repeatedly tackling and stampeding over the same place kicker, knocking off his helmet, shoulder pads and even his shoes amidst the chaos of both teams and marching bands scattering across the field.

Coincidentally, both Tonys wore #98.

Celebrity Rave Showdown

It's time for Tom Selleck and Lee Majors to battle it out on DJ Hero!

Grenades

(characters finding strangely-decorated grenades is a recurring theme in this show, however, none have yet exploded)

Steve and Mr. G stood at the head of a line of middle school children practicing a ritual of handing over and back a large handful of nickels.

Mr. G asked how long it took to set up the lighting in the room.

"It took Umby at least thirty minutes," Steve responded, noticing that the child walking away had just pocketed six or seven nickels in his back pocket - enough for a free haircut and style from Jesse.

It was then that he also spied something like a fruit on the linoleum floor.

Steve picked up the object and studied it. It looked like a pineapple grenade made by carefully sculpting several strawberry popsicles. "How serendipitous," he thought to himself, "that I have yet to view the 'Chowder - The Blast Raz' episode on Cartoon Network tomorrow."

Brad emerged out of a broom closet; he had to change clothes after falling into the pool. Mr. G commented on how the Native American headdresses were backwards.

Oops

I wandered around a rooftop, driving a Clefairy-mobile, until happening upon a Porsche 917 racing car.

This car was controllable via a button on the top pressed with the index finger.

I flicked my finger, sending the racecar hurtling off a ramp, over a neighboring rooftop and out of sight with a horrible-sounding crash.

At street-level, I found the site of the crash - a police press conference was being held and injured people were being attended to and carried out on gurneys.

I confessed to causing the crash after the press conference ended, and quietly apologized for my careless, thoughtless actions.

Secret Meeting

Don't pour your special ice water into my iced tea!

Look someone threw away two McDonalds deluxe hamburgers with tomato!

Shotgun Wins

Various objects meet the shotgun. In this show the shotgun always wins.

Fly meets shotgun: shotgun wins.

Deathwishes

Following a visit to the urologist and a routine phlebotomy (unrelated), I dreamt I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Variety columnist Army Archerd, hearing of my affliction, offered to donate his Ford F-100 pickup truck to me. His wish was that I study electrical engineering at UCLA but I knew that wasn't what I wanted.

To avoid talking about the subject, during a tour of his mansion, I walked briskly ahead of the group, hurrying to slide down the numerous mahogany-banistered slides that connected floors.

Midnight Monster

Yellow
Four-pointed
Helium-filled
Nymphomaniac
Levitating
Distended
Vampire

Spy Action!

Ancient Japanese dual-wielding swordfighting techniques.

Miniature gatling-gun bulldozer warehouse security.

Robotic cloaking stealth-suit scaffolding acrobatics.

Cat-and-mouse jetpack apprehension affidavit plausibility.

Bowling and Pokemon

My daughter was the first to bowl a strike in lane 13.

I caught two "shiny" Zubat in a row.

The next Pokemon I caught was named "MANASSA".

Stranded in Sweden

It all started with a long-distance phone call. The person on the other end was clearly speaking a language that I didn't understand (German?) but somehow I did understand.

I woke up later in the office (really a room next to a high school gymnasium, linoleum floors and all) where a software engineer was describing his problem to me. He spoke Swedish (I learned later) and I responded in English and yet we both were able to discuss the problem of modifying his system of text-delimited fields to accomodate graphical input.

I strolled through the gym after our meeting, then outside where children were swimming in a community pool.

Knowing I needed to return to the airport, but not which way to proceed, I wandered down a street on the sidewalk and decided to phone my contact in the US, Fard Muhammad. I asked him to look up directions to the airport, complaining that it was beginning to get dark. He said he'd call me right back as I opened an extremely narrow door set into a wall. It turned out that I couldn't fit through the door wearing my backpack and since I was on the phone, I decided to go around it. It also turns out that it wasn't beginning to get dark at all, just a quickly moving black bank of clouds passing by.

I had to find a bathroom and doffed my backpack, setting it down on the sidewalk outside a women's lavatory. As I entered the men's room my phone rang. I flipped it open. Instead of hearing Fard's voice, I saw about twenty pictures of slot machines that he had taken on a recent trip to Las Vegas.

I cursed him as I snapped the phone shut, used the urinal and washed my hands. My backpack was still sitting on the sidewalk when I returned for it.

Next door to the bathrooms was an arcade; of course I had to check it out. They had a strange Dance Dance Revolution clone (I couldn't make out the title on the marquee) and I could hear the familiar sounds of Defender echoing from a far corner.

Just then I realized I could search my Recently Dialed list for American Airlines and book a flight home and get a taxi to the airport.

It was 11PM

Sitcom Musical

5:30 am PST
Each episode is comprised of a handful of short sequences choreographed and set to music.

Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover

It's lunchtime and Mark and Steve cross a parking lot on their way to a Mexican fast food restaurant at a strip mall.

As they stroll, the two coworkers recall their earlier activities of working in a Sim City 3000 3D modeling package to customize a Zoo headquarters skyscraper. The design is reminiscent of the Wisconsin Gas Company building in Milwaukee with its terraced facades; the two workers were busy converting the surrounding city streets into sprawling green parks.

Steve pulls some papers out of his khaki trousers and flips a red square - shuriken style - at Mark shouting, "Green square!" It turns out that the square piece of paper is actually colored blue, and is a game piece to a promotional sweepstakes game sponsored by Burger King, and is the match to a pair of blue game pieces Mark needs in order to redeem them for a toasted English muffin.

Mark decides to collect his prize and Steve continues into the Mexican food restaurant, tossing the remainder of his game pieces in a nearby trash receptacle, saying "I don't need this trash in my pocket."

Steve nods to an ex-coworker seated on a table between the restaurant's entrance and the ordering counter. Glancing at the menu, he mutters, "I don't need this trash in my body," then turns and leaves.

Lunchtime is over and Steve heads to his second job at a rival Mexican restaurant next door to the one he just left, and, spotting his coworker Andrew, launches into an impromptu game of 'feed the beast' in which Steve attempts to strangle Andrew.

Andrew spots Steve and bolts away in panic, flipping over a table to block a doorway. Steve leaps through the doorway and over the table and deftly grabs Andrew by the neck in one fluid catlike movement all at the beginning of the final riff at the 4-minute mark in the song.

After Closing

I wanted to settle our bill late last night at Las Palmas.

I pointed up the stairs to where we had been sitting - two small tables pushed together next to a balcony door.

I heard the cashier mutter and saw her point towards the banister, asking who would pay for the 'renter'.

I looked and saw a sleeping bag, a black shirt, and some paper plates jumbled together in a heap beside the stairs.

I asked the cashier who she thought was staying there from our party.

"Juanes," she said.

One-sided Phone Conversations

"What the hell's going on? When did we pick Kate Beckinsale to play Samus?"

"What happened to Rose McGowan?"

"I didn't get any meeting invites or emails on this! It would've been nice to tell me!"

"Well we're all very sorry Rex left, but wake up and make some decisions already!"

"Fine. OK."

"What?"

"Today? Now?"

"OK could you please at least send me the new dialog?"

"Yes, now!"

"When did all this change?"

"Who said?"

"You know what? Forget it. It doesn't matter anymore. Just shut up, get the hell out of my way and let me make this game!"

(100th show celibration)

Friday Night Dualism / I'm asleep

How To Win Friends And Influence People / Making people scared won't get you very far.

The Band meeting / The Smoke Break
---
In a driveway in Wichita, Kansas / In a green field in Edinburgh, Scotland
a lead guitarist, / an ROTC dropout,
rhythm guitarist, / hairdresser,
bass guitarist, / astrophysicist,
mandolin player, / roadie,
and a keyboardist / and a numismatist
discuss their next gig's song list. / discuss tomorrow night's D&D session.

Dinner / Political Positioning
---
At a round table in Round Table / At a rectangular table in Sirius Black's dining room
a CEO, / a Doctor Who fan,
Lead Engineer, / Goalkeeper,
and a Lead Designer / and a Parasail instructor
catch up on their careers in the video game industry. / play an electroshock party game.

The Raid / Easter egg hunt
---
At the bottom of an exterior wall inside an unfinished spare room made from a cardboard refrigerator box/ In the grass
granite spheres / dinosaur eggs
were stolen. / were moved.

Inventions

Part 1: Mercedes Benz 2010 Green Metal (with simulated woodgrain finish) Motorized Office Chair!

A lab assistant demonstrates the new model for 2010 while a narrator provides details about the engineering behind the vehicle:
- Sits inside the development office
- Walks down a corridor
- Rides an elevator to the lobby
- Exits the building
- Arrives at the entrance to the parking garage
- Swipes an identification card across a proximity panel
- Ducks underneath the opening metal accordion door
- Introduces the Motorized Office Chair (MOC)
- Boards the MOC
- Fastens the safety harness
- Dons an open-face motorcycle helmet
- Grasps both armrests
- Coaxes the MOC forward and out of the parking garage

The MOC features a 3hp electric motor and batteries underneath the seat. A complex transmission drives each of the four wheels independently. The central spindle is on a gyroscope which automatically leans against centripetal forces when braking, accelerating and cornering. Throttle, brake, and signaling controls are contained in the front of the armrests as integrated motorcycle handles.

Part 2: Shenanigans!

An extreme sports superstar demonstrates a new extreme sports apparatus called Shenanigans while a narrator provides details about the engineering behind the device.

- Opens a small briefcase
- Unfolds what appear to be a pair of jumbled steel rods
- Locks pieces into place
- Holds up the pair of oblong bent steel parts
- Straps the Shenanigans on his feet
- Stands upright on the apparatus
- Jumps, kicks, spins and twirls
- Grabs the steel rods
- Skates across a concrete courtyard
- Jumps and slides effortlessly down a stone staircase

The Shenanigans prototype started as a pair of bent paper clips. The inventor scaled up the original prototype and made each piece collapsible.

Hip Hop Travel Agency

Test Pattern

Bowling Alley Smell

In a bowling alley in Honolulu, Hawaii, Steve chats with the shoe rental clerk about the state's new dollar coins. Steve decides to take a few home as souvenirs and changes his mind about changing $20.00. He gets only 4 of the coins as change after paying his rental shoes.

The bowling alley features a restaurant and an arcade, Steve notes as he takes in the signature smell.

The arcade features ultraviolet lighting which accentuates the bright orange and green patterns, as well as his white Calvin Klein Underwear against the dark walls and floors.

"No pockets for tokens," he mutters.

Room 217

In room 217 in a hotel owned by J. Anderson there is a giant flooded hole in the tile around the toilet in the bathroom.

In the living room closet a guest has hung a Primal Rage duffel bag in between antique wooden bassinets.

Glimpses

Security line

Nintendo DS

Baby stroller

Ear buds

Arcade World Tour

Waiting to get into an arcade in Tokyo, they only let a few people in every five minutes.

The dimly-lit floor features dozens of classic arcade cabinets from the 'golden era' of American arcades.

I rush to an empty Moon Cresta and start playing, memories of my childhood - bottlecaps, dumpster diving, smashing fluorescent tube lights, and Juice Newton singing "Angel of the Morning" - come flooding back.

08/08/1938

First day at new school

I'm late so I find my seat

I'm in the back row

Classwork is assigned

my good friend Sean is absent

he moved to New York

Senator McCain

turns around to face me and

declares a thumb war

He points and I see

a prosthetic finger made

with a green pepper

How To Live On Handouts

Today is Free Pizza Thursday at Pizza Hut!

I asked a girl behind the counter where the free samples were and she pointed to a counter behind me. I grabbed three slices of cheese pizza without first locating a plate, then also grabbed three paper towels and folded them to accommodate the pizza slices, which I also folded - triangle on top of triangle in a letter-fold, then awkwardly by rolling the point of the triangle up to the crust. After all this, with both my hands full of drippy greasy pizza, I noticed there was Canadian bacon and pineapple.

I walked back to the apartment complex where Gary was organizing a kickball game. I went around to Kevin's and Maya's to see if they could play.

I saw Kevin through the open front window sitting in the dining room, his eyes glistening and face flushed. At the far end of the hallway stood a dark shadow. Kevin whispered, "I have to work on my homework, Steve. Sorry."

Maya was leaning against the hallway outside her front door. "Tonight is family time and I messed it all up," she whimpered up at me.

I thought then how so often and unfairly the stress and problems of parents are confusingly twisted then projected onto their children.

I Don't Dream

Melatonin: no flashing lights or lucidity, only Jack Nicholson gargling a mouthful of miniature red pencils.

Last Picked

John Ray was the last picked for my team in a game of Quidditch.

Membership

It's 5:00 PM;
is Costco Closed?

A boy on a BMX bike goes
up and down grey concrete ramps
in a basement engineering floor.

Staircases with no guardrails beckon lost wanderers.

My wife's long black hair stops me
from revisiting a tribute gold medallion
left at a fighter's photo
like a stone on a Jewish grave.

London Back Alleys

The driver of a black triple-decker bus operates the vehicle from the third floor. He is a chauffeur following another livery vehicle, a Mercedes. I marvel at his instinctual dexterity which allows him to deftly manoeuvre through traffic and around roundabouts in the clockwise direction.

After exiting the bus, on the sidewalk I see a column of brightly-coloured couples - men and women - in 5 matched pairs dressed in fuchsia, mauve, chartreuse, burgundy, and turquoise unitards. The males are costumed in inflatable outfits which make them resemble walking fruits.

Rounding a corner, I stumble upon an altercation that turns violent, the dark-skinned, wall-eyed instigator complaining why onlookers - myself included - aren't interested in joining her cause. Just then I glance down to a drainage underpass in time to see a Jeep roll through ankle-deep water being chased by a dirty white dog. The Jeep and dog splash by in the opposite direction, then emerge on the street surface a few metres ahead. The Jeep literally corners the dog in a parking lot.

Rolling onto the scene, a Toyota minivan arrives with a damaged passenger-side sliding door. The driver of the van opens the damaged sliding door from the inside (I note that he's tanned to withering, wearing only green briefs) and asks a bystander how much it will cost to repair the damage.

Fire Campers

Instead of traditional outdoor camping each year, our family visits evacuated towns on the edges of wildfires in California.

In a deserted Pinecrest bar, chilled kegs of beer are the only uncontaminated drinkable liquid and firefighters toast, "To a rat, 'cause I ain't dead yet!"

After finishing off two half-full mugs of beer, Steve notices residents returning to their homes. One emerges from the crawlspace beneath the front porch and introduces himself as Eben to the gathering at the bar.

Work Hard Play Hard

Huddled around a tiny VAX terminal, Jim and Sam's faces are illuminated by the amber glow of the CRT, puzzling over a chunk of code. Through the double-doors to the cafeteria strides Bill, willing to help even after leaving the company for their rival across the street.

Sam spies Rick in the lunchroom playing with Pokémon cards and decides to join him. Rick holds twenty-five cards in his hand and has dozens more organized in front of him.

"I'm playing Clue rules," mumbles Rick.

Sam strides outside to Disneyland park where the train is just letting out its passengers near a glass-walled merry-go-round. Sam ambles down a slope to a ridge overlooking a wide moat. In the moat are three crocodiles, two of which are involved in some kind of mating ritual, the male swallowing a female up to her throat. Sam spies a redheaded toddler climbing underneath the guardrail and looks frantically around for its parents.

Luckily, a park employee wearing a jetpack rescues the child and its father as the mother screams with relief.

rnd PHP

At a family party, I stay indoors until the pleasant sunny afternoon darkens. I welcome the rain on my face as other guests take refuge.

Returning indoors, the party is a classroom. I take my seat in the back row on the right, as the instructor quickly explains variable naming in PHP code. When trying to remember the correct spelling of 'carp', the students begin chanting, "Spell it wrong! Spell it wrong!" The professor scribbles, "$carpp" on the whiteboard as a nearby classmate shouts amid the flutter of laughter, "She might as well name it '$cottoncandy' now!"

Halloween Marathon

The last trick-or-treater arrived at 4am, a drum majorette.

Homunculus

Steve's twin arrived last night, August 17, 2009.

We aren't sure of its origins, since its life-line is much longer than Steve's. We interpret this to mean that it was born before Steve, or will outlive him, or both.

Old Game, New Game

Centipede played on an old modified arcade cabinet (P1 and P2 start buttons are mysteriously swapped)

A "Katamari In Space" trailer video surfaces, prompting a game designer's rant, "This is why the video game industry doesn't innovate - it's because players are unwilling to innovate."

Pet Peeves

Broken glass! On carpet!

Steve's Drawing Adventure

I sketched Optimus Prime on a sheet of butcher paper with a blue marker.

Shading in details, I noticed that yellow and red ink had appeared in the places I had previously drawn, then the drawing turned into a 3-dimensional Lego model.

Celebrity Neighbor

Nolan Bushnell lives next door to me. Last night he was hosting a party for ex-Midway employees when I went over to borrow a cup of flour. The guests all sat silently in their seats with their heads bowed.

Today I posed in his arboretum for a group of art students with an orange balloon. Tom Hess congratulated me afterwards.

Boot Camp

Stationed at a border patrol checkpoint camp, Private Riesenberger has had to defend their base from numerous insurgent skirmishes. In one recent battle his assault rifle malfunctioned forcing him to reload it as one would reload a toy shotgun as he took aim and fired on rebel forces who had commandeered a humvee, plowing it into crowds of civilians. Two shots from his rifle resulted in killing the driver with a blow to the back of the head.

Later that night, Corporal Coallier led the troop in a game of movie charades. Private Riesenberger knew that one soldier's guess of 'James Cagney imitating Bugs Bunny' was incorrect in favor of Edward G. Robinson's portrayal of Rico in Little Caesar.

In the morning, a routine check of his vehicle revealed that the emergency brake gear had been stripped.

SoCal LoCal

At one hotel in San Francisco, Steve asks for directions to the Marriott downtown but learns that it is the hotel's policy not to give directions to other competing hotels.

"What if I get the address to the hotel, then ask you for directions to the street?", he complains, rummaging through his backpack and tattered maps.

Later at a street carnival, Steve tries his luck at a Midway game. The rules state that a thrown ping-pong ball must come to rest atop a square block. He does so and opens the block to reveal a toy goldfish in a bag of water. Steve exchanges this for five more blocks which he then proceeds to open. Each one contains a cheap plastic leaf, some green, some yellow, some of which the barker informs him are 'rare'.

Steve decides to rent a tent and roller coaster from the nearby amusement park. Inside the tent are arcade games and the roller coaster features corkscrews and loops.

Abstraction

Painting hair planaria.

Party Crash

On their way to the parking lot during lunchtime, the team comments on the weather. One member asks, "Where does Summer come from?"

Steve nonchalantly mumbles, "Summer comes from the Summer box." as he leans over a bite of honey-peanut butter sandwich. Then, so as to not spill any of the oozing honey, tilting his head back looking up to the sky he adds, "Then Summer parks in the Summer garage when Autumn is ready to roll."

Car doors open and team members assemble into groups, Bobby climbs into Mark's Subaru. Steve loses the unspoken game of musical cars and the lot is empty save for an old Mercedes - the car is so ancient that the steering mechanism is a single crank that moves side to side instead of a steering wheel.

Steve barely kisses the car in front of him as the weary thin brakes strain against the weight of the car on a gentle slope at a stop light. The caravan arrives at the video game convention as Amir is setting up the event.

Glistening shiny Pokemon cards adorn the display cases. "Hong Kong knock offs.", scoffs an onlooker.

Faking The Grade

Under the assumed surname, "Aramwa", Stephen enrolls at the University of California's Santa Barbara Campus and takes up residence at Anacapa hall with his brother Timothy as a roommate.

A campus-wide game of Assassin comes to his mind as he passes a whiteboard in the dormitory's common room. Robin Hunicke and Jon Paquette, also residents of the dorm, are still on the list.

Confused as to why he is still enrolled under a false name, Stephen walks into his Discrete Mathematics midterm only to realize that there are many examples he does not know how to do. He spends 75% of the allotted time writing the name 'Riesenberger' on his Nintendo DS Pictochat program in an attempt to transfer the writing to the header of his midterm exam unsuccessfully.

Rainy Days

Josh: "You wanna pick up Run DMC tickets? Only five bucks!"
Steve: "Nah. Just take me home please."

The Science-fiction of Technology

iPhones can predict the future with new 'forward-looking' technology.

In the app store, users can click on the 'view future purchases' to enter a date and time in the future and get a list of all the predicted user purchases from the current time until then, with each individual purchase stamped with the time down to the second.

Apple uses this information to forecast sales of the iPhone, as well as when to introduce new versions and upgrades, but it is the iPhone application developers who benefit most from this feature:

From the moment a new application is made available to the masses, at the set pricepoint, an iPhone developer can get a pinpoint accurate forecast (to the year 3000) of all future sales of their application, making planning and allocation of resources far easier than in the days before 'forward-looking' technology! It also goes without saying that developers can choose to adjust the price of their application up or down, and see instantaneous changes in the future purchases of their product in order to fine-tune sales, product longevity, and market penetration.

Google is developing a similar functioning technology called 'hindsight' whereby it intends to alter Apple's iPhone sales figures in the past in an attempt to boost sales of its own smart phone.

Cartoon Cops

Tonight's episode is narrated by Mark Burroughs.

Two coroners enter a stately mansion as Barney Rubble follows after several hours of a hostage stand-off against Skeletor. Under a hail of gunfire, the upstairs foyer went silent. A wide staircase leads upward towards massive double doors which lead through the foyer and into a ballroom.

Upon opening the double doors, Skeletor, who was merely wounded, lunges from behind an ornate bust firing an AK-47 at the group of three screaming, "Diiieee!" as only he can. One of the coroners falls as Barney takes cover outside the doorway. He sprays bullets in the direction of the threat as a weak flashlight flickers from atop the barrel of his assault rifle. Skeletor makes a run for it and Barney decides to rush into the room.

In a flurry of commotion, running, and desperate gunfire, Skeletor reaches the same doorway where the coroner was gunned down. Barney, in true Hollywood B-movie style, hurls his weapon at the fleeing fugitive once he realizes he is out of ammunition and miraculously strikes Skeletor in the solar plexus sending him flying through the first floor atrium and crashing through a closed door.

The villain is pierced through the back upon landing on a closet door knob in a child's bedroom.

80's Movie Montage Mania

Not so much a transformation but manic series of cuts depicting Steve and his desperate attempt at not having his BMX bike stolen during a school assembly.

The sequence takes place while "Fascination" by Company B plays in the background.

At first, arriving in the auditorium while riding the bike, Steve tries to find a suitable place to park it, then leaves it leaning up against the divider to the front half of the auditorium to retrieve his coiled bike lock from his apartment.

Several cuts show an increasingly exasperated Steve leaving the apartment and closing and locking the front door, only to unlock and reopen the door to:
- go to the bathroom
- brush his teeth
- close the refrigerator
- turn off the lights
- check that the oven is turned off

Finally, we see Steve locking up his bike to a water standpipe outside the auditorium. After the school assembly, we see the bike being ridden away, the rider popping wheelies.

This episode of 80's Movie Montage Mania brought to you by The 80's Movie Montage Hall of Fame.

CQC - Contract Quality Control

Ben and Steve run test procedures on video game software in an area of the game where the main character speaks a different phrase depending on whether or not he is in shadow or sunlight.

Terrariums

...where we work.

Jeff and Steve clear out the last of their computer equipment including keyboards and a musical keyboard.

Steve relocates a few stuck-in-the-ground Halloween decorations including a plastic headstone and notices another headstone partially covered by dead grass.

Haiku Triptych

an old red beetle
melts into a mountain bike
on the lake bottom

slow backwards rolling
on a shaky wooden pier
flying then drowning

visiting grandpa
throws my bike in the water
then we eat ice cream

Lord Of The Rings FanFiction

Viewers email story, character and plot ideas in to the show and the best ones are woven into next week's episode.

Frodo, enraged at Gimli's decision to leave the Fellowship with his old dwarven drinking buddies, grabs fistful after fistful of flesh from fallen Ents, and, crushing them with The One Ring's imbued super strength, produces glass and semiprecious stones.

Blue Vette Sting

Police officers use the same blue Corvette Stingray over and over as a lure for carjackers.

We watch two teenagers steal the Vette, then pikc up their parents' dry cleaning before being caught.

Plates

An ex-con and his two teenage boys run a mobile license-plate customization service.

Returning with lunch, the father sifts through his change of quarters and nickels, noticing each one is older and rarer than the last.

Photoshop Chop Shop

The voice of Leonard Nimoy hosts this show where graphic illustration experts design futuristic vehicles using Adobe's Photoshop image editing computer software in an automotive garage setting.

Steve designs a tandem two passenger car using the rubber stamp tool.

Intermission 5 and 14

In a men's bathroom
during intermission the back half becomes a food court.

A mother enters;
a moviegoer looks over stainless-steel urinals.

Unfortunately
many of the urinals are filled with boiling water

and black gelatin.
Day turns into night at the base of a green ziggurat.

A soccer circle
kicks a ball around. One player has two pointy elbows.

Bicycling away,
Stephen's vehicle transforms into a Jaguar roadster.

Another Jaguar
speeds down a winding mountain road with Stephen pursuing.

Descending into
a clockwise square spiral, the driver of the fleeing car

handsignals his turns.
At the bottom of the spiral is a spacious white room.

On first inspection,
besides gilded chair rails and moldings, there are no exits.

Furniture appears
softly as Steve susses to himself, "Satan's sitting room."

Another victim,
Teresa, stands. Two unlit tunnels materialize.

She mutters, "Stephen,
come sit in this room with me. There's a warm fireplace in here."

One last sideways glance
is Stephen's vision of an obsidian mannequin

silently groping
her terrified face, pulling her backwards to nothingness.

More doorways open
outward and Stephen moves through one purposefully to find

a bruised shirtless man
crying. Steve Martin, in the role of Navin R. Johnson,

wields a cardboard axe.
He slashes it at Stephen who says to the dangling man

tied to a dead tree,
"Steve Martin can't hurt me because his name doesn't match mine.

Nor Steven Spielberg."
Stephen finally hides in the top-floor concession stand

on a cargo ship.

---

This intermission has been brought to you by the syllable counting game in Dr. Ryuta Kawashima's Brain Age!

Land Surfers

A bunch of college students drive into the desert in search or rocky and sandy dust bowls.

Greg has a roof-mounted skimboard rack. His special formulated wax allows he and his classmates to 'surf' on dry land, over rough terrain and even rocks.

Riding The Rails

Stunt riders perform acrobatic tricks on dangerously busy public transit routes.

Ashton Kutcher wears ski attire and rides a mountain bike along the monorail of the San Francisco Bay Area's BART system.

Onlookers from a nearby parking lot watch as Ashton pops a wheelie while riding on the rail, then falls off only to be caught up in guide wires. The BART train approaches.

Battle And A Convention

This week's Battle is a Pirate on Pirate Hunter affair and the Convention features Classic arcade video games.

Before the Pirate battle, there is a feast arranged in the banquet hall.

During the arcade game convention, Chris Ulm informs players that the Robotron: 2084 unit contains a modified chipset that plays an RPG version of the game.

Zach Braff Adventures

Dax Shepard impersonates Zach Braff in a myriad number of jack-ass style stunts.

One of them sees Dax at an acupuncturist. The technician intentionally waggles the needle before inserting it into Dax's arm to inflict excruciating pain.

While You Were Showering

A travelling salesman's wife accompanies him on every business trip. They hop from one Marriott hotel to another.

In today's episode, while his wife is showering, all of the locks and deadbolts in the (not-yet-upgraded-to-keycards) hotel are replaced. The salesman leaves for the proverbial bucket of ice and finds the door unresponsive when he returns.

Luckily, his time at a watch and jewelry repair counter in a department store helps him pick the lock with a filed-down allen wrench and paper clip.